The Relationship between Masculinity and Emotions by Pervis Taylor

The relationship between masculinity and emotions has long been a paradox almost

anecdotal. While it’s easy to homogenize the male experience, it’s far more important to

humanize men’s relationship with their emotional world. Not every man has the same

experience with his emotions.

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However, in my 15 years of working with men, there are undeniable overlaps.

For many men, their introduction to emotions was not exploratory, curious, or loving it was

met with fury and curtness. Many recount hearing phrases such as, “Suck it up,” “Boys don’t

cry,” or “Cut it out.” These cultural scripts have shaped men more deeply than we often realize.

Emotional socialization the process through which we learn what emotions are acceptable,

how we’re allowed to express them, and what happens when we do requires space to

experience emotions fully, not suppress them, so that navigating them becomes possible. Yet

many men were not given that space.

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Men are not emotionally void they are emotionally avoidant. And avoidance is a strategy.

Many men were raised to be tough, not weak, in order to survive in what was perceived as a

chaotic world. Emotion was stigmatized with shame and often characterized as feminine. Thus,

masculinity became positioned as the opposite of emotion.

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When masculinity is positioned as the opposite of emotion, then many men are left believing

they must choose cultural acceptance at the expense of their authentic human experience.

However, within certain masculinity norms, only a few ranges of emotions are deemed

acceptable-most notably anger. Anger is a complex emotion that is very beguiling. It makes

men feel empowered-but ultimately is disempowering. Anger can be righteous or constructive-

but more often than not-it’s destructive. But underneath anger often times is fear and hurt.

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Underneath the hurt is disappointment. Underneath the disappointment is an expectation not

met. When anger is the only permissible emotion, it becomes the base line through which

men interpret their emotional world. Hence, many men do not fully enter that world until later

in life-only after they learn or experience emotions beyond anger.

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As result many, many men experience arrested emotional development, and their relationships

suffer the impact. But perhaps the greatest injustice-one that is often overlooked-is many men

never get to live an authentic human life. There is an undeniable correlation between our

experiences and the emotions attached to them. When our emotions are restricted or

restrained, so is the lived experience. Many men have not lived to their full human capacity.

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How do we begin to repair this? When men-when people-feel safe, they are far more willing to

course correct and unlearn long-standing patterns. Emotional growth and development can’t

thrive in environments of shame. It requires space. It requires intention. It requires patience. It

requires safety.

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Men need safe spaces where they can explore their emotions without shame or looking over

their shoulder for judgement or emasculation. Only then does avoidance transform into

awareness. This is the space were men can take claim to the fullness of their humanity.